Do you ever think that you can express exactly your feelings of depression, amazement, fear or love on paper or let someone else know how it feels completely ?! I personally think that it’s impossible and the only way one to know is by feeling and I know this cus I know what I’m feeling lately has been plenty rushes of mixed emotions that no one knows how much I exactly feel (I don’t blame anyone for it).  It could be possible that my tears or smile may have let the few I’ve spoken to seem like a complete impression on how I’m feeling, but I still don’t think it’s possible for one to really, truly know.  This isn’t my plee for sympathy or vent to express my feelings to those who read this.  So what are my intentions of writing it ?! Well, maybe it is and just some endless rambles and me going off on tangents, but it’s also what I recently found out about some of the truths about life, perspectives, even about myself, and some experiences that I hope everyone will be capable of learning from when life hits them with something really hard.  I’ve recently become stubborn and skeptical about believing things I used to say freely, such as “things happen for a reason” or “all you have to have is faith and patience.”

What are the reasons for driving someone to do something that they believe is right !?  Political reasons ?! Religious beliefs ?! For their love they have for someone ?!  There is so much that has driven me and pushed me so far forward of the limits and boundaries I have never thought myself possible of accomplishing or by even attempting to cross them.  Why is it that I never took those chances ?!  Besides the point that I was scared, I think the real reason is because I never believed in myself enough or felt I had a reason to do it.  You know that leap of faith or that instant of hope that sparks something in you when you suddenly just want to burst out and take that rush and finally do it ?!  I firmly believe that someone can do that for you if you just trust not only them, but yourself and even yourself with them.  I’ve learned recently that maybe you truly can’t be a beautiful person unless you can look at yourself and say it and meaning every bit of it.    

You can learn a lot from what someone gives, whether they give you that special feeling from their actions or the best of them by the gift of who they are.  How much do we realize that there are so many people in this world that we’ve met and how when that person walks in at the right moment it can make everything feel so truly amazing, including that person that’s amazing themselves ?!

I was once this person who lacked certain qualities and I was slowly trying to make it better.  Maybe it was the person who gave me the motivation or maybe proving it to the person that I could do it ever that were my real reasons for motivation.  Whatever feelings I have right now, through my hurt, depression, happiness, or what other feelings I have, I know that at least I’ve had a privileged life and that this summer was incredible and honestly has been one of the best summers full of wonderful and beautiful memories that have been illustrious and invaluable.   It’s ironic that the pain I feel is from the good I remember or that when I was feeling pain, crying into that someone was when I felt so safe and comforted.  I’ve recently discovered for myself that the one place that a man can touch a woman where she can feel really good is her heart, and as I opened up this entry, I know this, cus I felt it. 

dude, it has been a LONNNNG time since i’ve last updated.  summer has been amazing.  since APALI started, i’ve found myself so happy. i’ve also found sumthing that has made me smile again. =)  anyways, it has been such a great three weeks.  nuthing that anyone said about how awesome APALI is, is false: the people, the work, the fun, etc.  last week, we had a city council presentation n my group did AMAZING!!   good job you guys!! (andrew, cheryl, edward, judy, karen n our motivator, our intern, albert)  i have a little hallmark moment for everyone, including my group n i’m going to share it. 

THANK YOU to everyone!!  your words of encouragement were so inspiring n i almost think that is what pulled me thru with my attack. (well, i guess my secret is n the open a little bit now) i was reading a few xanga’s n people were writing how i was a strong girl. hehe, thanks people i dunno how i managed, but i was so scared n i REALLY didn’t want to n couldn’t put my team down.  my group is so amazing that they even offered to speak for me since, according to them, my health was more important, but i told them that i couldn’t let them down!!  you guys only made me stronger.  we worked so long n hard on the project that i just couldn’t do that.  honestly, it was those who asked how i was feeling, (evan, derek, rabiah, brian,) those telling me to breathe with them, (andre) n those who kept checking up on me that meant so much. (john) i know there were many other people, but i don’t remember all, but thank you anyways.  well, i’m going to finish doing other stuff now. byeee everyone. 

alright, so i'm supposed to be reading for my ICS class right now, since i have a final tomorrow n then i'm supposed to be cramming more information into my head for stats for tomorrow as well, but i need a break.  my solution then:  post pictures

pictures from the day after my dinner

i didn't wake up with a hang over, but i did wake up to a few bruises n my legs, a bump on my head, two bruises on my hips n arms as well...from falling so many times, according to everyone).

i dunno why the date is incorrect here

one of my aunt's bought me coronitta extra.  she even said, "we should drink sumtime, camie.  at least drink ONCE." haha, i never took up on her offer n as we speak, i think my coronitta is building up dust. =) yup, too bad i don't drink n the drink is going to "get wasted." hahahah, get it?! get it!? lol

but one of my gifts went to good use.  my parents really good friends bought me a scarf n a box filled with flower pins n flowers for my hair. yesss, more flowers to add to my huge collection. 

random pic of john wearing my sunglasses underneath his glasses.  aww, sumtimes i miss john teasing me.  hope john is doing well =)  if he ever reads this, i miss you johnnnn!!

i wanna go back to the nha trang beach.  damn, miss my family back at home n the places we went too. 

***now for the pictures i've been hecka lagging on.  oh yah, besides at my dinner, i realized how many friends i have n might i add, great friends.  my inbox was filled with a few texts, but on my b-day, my friends all called me, wrote wishes on their AIM info's n especially overflooded my inbox so that i had to end up deleting a few texts.

thanks for the pics, erick. i wouldn't have pics if it weren't for you taking 'em.  plus, i'm STILL waitng for alfonse, who is even MORE of a lagger than me who has other pictures of me n david who has videos of me

L to R: andrew-brian, rabiah, cheryl n matt

cathy (thanks for driving me n tying my pants for me) n erick (thanks for buying all the drinks for me.  even though it was YOU who persuaded everyone to get me to drink.  i remember that n i tried to say i was already drunk from the water. haha.  damn, didn't work

leon grabbing sum salad.  the salad was pretty good

linh n charlie (thanks you guys for warning me about the stuff.  thanks for also telling me to eat a lot n to stop worrying about everyone else).

thinh (thanks for the ENTIRE night, including driving me home, making sure i drank enough water n basically watching out for me n taking care of me n everything else you did, that i might not have remembered)  n sophana

alfonse. see alfonse, i told you that i was aware of things going around me.  i'm laughing, see!?! maybe cus it was still early on n i didn't have a drink yet

vincent n his red hair

edison n long

my first drink of the night.  "sex on the beach" (true story:  the next morning, after a few calls from friends checking up on me, ion calls me. ion: "how you feeling camie?!" camie: "i'm alright." ion: "i can't believe you had 'sex on the beach.'" camie: "what?!?!?! with who?!"  ion: "um camie, i mean you had the shot." camie: "omgosh. ohhhh. haha.")

thumbs up for the first drink.  after hearing from everyone say, "camie, stop taking small sips," i took out my straw n chugged three drinks down, within only five minute intervals.

hmm, i like the cherry more than the drink

2nd drink of the night.  flaming dr. pepper

i don't have the 3rd drink, but it was liquid cocaine.  i had written down the drinks when i was still sorta, mentally there. ha. 

***back to thinh's house

i look cranky n this picture.  but thanks quang bang n ion for carrying me

i'm falling n i can't get up

fall number 384565 probably

guys: "camie, sit down." camie: (standing) "i am sitting." result:  guys had to hold my legs down n sit on top of me to get me to stop getting back up

so according to cathy n alfonse, i went to the bathroom, n right when i go inside i lock the door n knock over thinh's frame.  oopsies, BUT it didn't break.  thank God

......

well that's about it n now i just have sum videos.  i don't know how to post them, but if you know how n wanna see 'em, please lemme know.

alright, that's it you guys. back to studying i go.  GOOD LUCK on finals, DE ANZA!!  (since we're the only school that has school still...pshhh)

**yes yes, i’ll get the pictures of my dinner soon.  i’m a MAJOR lagger.  n even right now; i have studying to do, but instead i’m writing my online entry. bad bad bad =/

SOTM: *N Sync: The Two Of Us (exactly my mood n feelings right now)

regrets.  i live my life with so many regrets.  i always end up unintentionally ignoring the cliché “you live only once, so live your life as if it’s your last.”  anyways. so why can’t i get this one thing out of my mind?! it seems so clear to others, but for me, it’s not.  it seems as if the outside world is always aware of the transparent person that you avoid showing, but they still see it, even when you don't want them too. yes, i’m showing others that transparent side of me right now by writing this, but i don’t mind.  so apparently i’ve had this regret of being so oblivious n almost naïve to what was standing in front of me.  i was so blinded n selfish for focusing on one thing, that i didn’t realize at the same time, something was staring me straight n the eye n trying to get my attention.  i completely ignored it.  okay, maybe i didn’t ignore it, but the thought was always n the back of my head, but i let my head think before my heart.  i firmly believe now that the better of things are best thought when it comes from your heart.  why did i let such a thing happen?!  i really dunno why.  n now?!  it hurts thinking about it over n over, on occasional nights after night.  when i’m n solitude n forcing myself to fall asleep, instead, i’m just laying n bed just thinking about it.  i feel so foolish for thinking that this regret is big, when really it may seem so little compared to other things that i’m lucky to not have to face.  but even still; it sucks being reminded of my mistake everyday, especially since it’s n front of me almost everyday.  i feel as if i’m on a car ride n i’ve been driving all this time, n i’m passing all these signs that warn me of ditches n dead ends n finally i have now hit that dead end n i’m wondering how to get out of it.  the only way for me to get out of it is to take the initiative n turn the wheel, cus i’m the driver.  it was my fault that i hit the dead end cus i decided to ignore the signs.  so would it be right for me to follow my own advice of listening to my heart right now n let out what i’m feeling?!  i’m completely scared n yah i contradict myself when i say this, but i think i’m going to ignore my feelings n my heart just becus i’m so afraid. 

what’s up, everyone!?  so last week was my birthday dinner.   the next day EVERY PART OF MY BODY was hurting, but not from a hangover, sum from bruises on my head, knees, hip n all over my arms.  i had an AWESOME NIGHT ON SATURDAY though!!  i mean, sum stuff i remember, but the clips i saw of me were so embarrassing. haha.  anyways, saturday,  i remember everything up until i had the first drink, at least CLEARLY.   most stuff are hazy n stuff i did, i’m just like “wth?!”   anyways, i guess i’ll recap the stuff that OTHERS remembered FOR me, ha, since i don’t remember much of it.  basically, i fell A LOT n only after i had 3 shots!! apparently cathy was driving me n then i randomally got out of her car at a stoplight n went to go pee n the bushes. afterwards, we went to thinh’s house. well, i fell even more times, like a million times at least n then i needed help n the bathroom n the first time i went, i knocked over thinh’s frame n fell off the toilet n cathy had to button my pants for me.  ion said to me sunday that my shirt almost fell off, so that’s why thinh gave me his sweatshirt, but from what i heard, i thought the guys, who were trying to put my shirt ON, were trying to rape me so i kept asking “what are you guys doing?” hah. thinh said that my daddy called me too, after he called a couple of times n i talked to him for a LONG time cus he was questioning me like crazy, but lucky thinh said he told me what to say, since my head wasn’t completely thinking.  don’t remember the call.  n then all that i really remember is lying on a bed n still pretty tipsy n falling a lot.  after that, thinh took me home by 3:40.

i want to say THANK YOU everyone for coming to my dinner n i hope you all had fun n thanks for covering the rest of the bill…i had money to if you guys needed it.  n thanks?!  for whomever put $10 n my pocket. i’m sure there were more specifically i would thank for probably helping me when i fell, but unfortunately I dunno who they were. =/  but there are two people that i REALLY want to say a HUGE THANKS to. thinh n cathy!! =) CATHY:  thanks for driving me to BJ’s n to thinh’s house (…n buttoning my pants) haha.  THINH: thanks for taking care of me the entire night, according to everyone n making n letting me stay till i was sober.  i kinda remember you being near me only a few times, which i’m sure was way more.  =)  finally, i leave you guys with this conversation i had with cathy sunday night, minus a few things who we talked about **pictures will come soon of my birthday**